I process life through my photography. I guess I have been doing that in ways that are ever evolving since I first started taking pictures in my teens. The other weekend we cleaned out our garage and I came across a lot of prints from years and years ago. It was so clear that I took pictures as a way to examine the world around me. It was a way that I could put a buffer between myself and the situations that worried or mystified me. I could come back and look again. It made goodbyes easier as I moved on from things knowing I had taken my own souvenir.
Finding those long forgotten shots coupled with Clover’s recent discussions on life and death reminded me of something I had been avoiding. A few months ago, I took my daughters back to the states for a wedding and some work. We visited and I documented the whole thing. Almost all of the images made it up onto my blog as soon as I processed them. All except those in one particular folder… On a unusually warm autumn day we joined my mother for a trip to the graveyard to visit the spot where my father is buried. While I was ready to take pictures of our short visit, I had not been ready to look at them until now. As father’s day in the states passes me by again, I have been thinking about my dad. I have not heard his voice for 13 years and I only have been able to look at a handful of pictures of him in that same time. I miss him, but I am scared. I am not scared of ghosts…just the opposite actually. I am scared that spirits don’t exist. I need to believe that they do.
I was filled with mixed emotions as Clover danced on my father’s headstone and then Gemma carefully traced the letters in his name. My mother told them stories and I could see in her face just how fresh it all is for her. As we walked back to the car, Gemma called out “Bye, Granddaddy.” Clover looked all around the empty cemetery and with a bit of three year old confusion, looked at me and said “But he wasn’t there!” (More like, “But him not here.” to quote her exactly.)
This is where photography is both healing and a curse. I have proof that he was here, but I am also painfully reminded that he is gone.
I look at my oldest who has inherited my father’s beautiful hands, my son who carries on his name and I think what a shame he never met these guys. Then I look at my little girl who looks back at me with eyes that are surprisingly the same steel blue color that I remember he had and smile. Yes, Clover, he was not there, but I see him every time I look at you and your sister and brother.
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
oh rachel, that’s beautiful
Your blog posts are much like your photography – full of emotion and beauty.
Thank you for sharing this post. It was very moving.
That is so touching. My father never got to meet his grandkids either and only wish I had more photos of him.
I agree, I try and photograph everything no matter how tough because you may want them later on, It may take a week a year or 20 years but to be able to be transported back and relive it when your ready is special.
Wonderful post and pics. Thanks for sharing such beautiful memories.
That made me cry Rachel, your photos and words are so beautiful and so close to home.
I understand how you feel. I lost my mother in 2005 and then in 2007 I lost my father. There is not a day goes by that I don’t think of them. Christmas 2004 our whole family was together, my son, daughter-in-law, granddaughter, both of my sisters and brother-in-law, niece, nephew and his wife. Since that was the first one in a while we where together (and our last) I took a family picture. It is on my mantel to this day. Also, taking and scanning a life time of photos and putting them on a DVD for my granddaughter so that she will be able to know who she is. it is both painful but a blessing to have these photos. It is recording of our lives together and I hope one day my granddaughter will get a picture of her family.
Take care and be strong.
I am not scared of ghosts…just the opposite actually.
Rachel, sometimes I know exactly how that feels. Often, maybe…
this was a beautiful post… we visit our gravestones every summer in Minnesota… we trek across four states to get there.
I have no father and it made me cry. I believe that life is beyond this world we live in.
Tears. Beautiful post.
I agree: this is truly beautiful – as in, goosebump-inducing beautiful.
extremely beautiful post and I agree with the others…tears upon tears. Thank you for this post….to remind us to cherish what we have right now. My Dad, Mom, Hubs, and kiddos will all be getting extra big hugs tonight.
Your posts pulls at my heartstrings. I still have both of my parents but I’m scared of what it will be like when I don’t. I find comfort (for them) in the fact that they have a very strong faith but I often think the same… “I am not scared of ghosts…just the opposite actually.”
“I am scared that spirits don’t exist..”
What exactly do you mean by this? This is a personal topic I’m guessing, but what religion – if any – are you? I am Christian, so when you say ‘spirit’ I think you’re referring to a person’s relationship with God. From what you’ve said before about your father, I have absolutely no doubt that he was an amazing man, and I can tell the amount of respect you have for him must be great.
My grandfather (I’m lucky enough to still have my daddy.) passed away from cancer about five years ago, and even though I was close to him, I’ve lost most memories of him. One image that stays in my mind is one of my cousins – Kenny, Stephen, Colten, and I sitting on the armrest of his recliner. We sat around him to listen to countless stories from his life. He was so wise; I just remember being in awe after listening to his adventures. This post has inspired me, even as I’m writing this, I’m remembering more about him.
If you aren’t a Christian, believe me when I say that the only way to have eternal life is through Jesus Christ. God created us, what have we given him in return?
Please pass on the memories you have of your father to Gemma, Clover, and Kieran. Don’t stop because you’ve gotten caught up in work or in life. I know I start to do things for other people (that’s what I need to work on), then I slack off and think, “That can wait until later on.” or “I’ll do it later.” but really, these things can’t wait.
God bless you and your family!
-Ariel (instagram: @arimikay email: arielmikayla@gmail.com)
So honest and touching..
Same fears. but i think that spirits live on in just the way you describe – his reaches you through each of your kids. how we keep them in our mind just like that.
Beautiful post. It made me cry, too. Also made me look up Kieran and Clover’s first picture on Flickr, so I could review his middle name. I forgot how small Gemma was, when they were born!
This was such a touching post and your pictures captured amazing moments. They are beautiful.
Beautifully written
reading and seeing these pictures I’m so emotion
I lost my grandmother in 2011
I miss her terribly!
a hug for you!
Thank you for sharing these honest words, the pictures and the comfort that lies in them. Having to let of someone is one
of the most difficult things in life and I can so well relate to all the ambivalence you describe. You are right, he is there, in some way or other and it is wonderful that you can be reminded of that. He left his fingerprints and his love – and you pass them on now. Thanks for being so courageous in sharing how you feel. Beautiful and very moving.
It made me cry Rachel. My greatgrand mother died months ago . We went my cousin 6 year old cousin and I to leave some flowers on her grave and I didn’t have the courage to take my camera with me. While we werethere he whispered: What happened to her? Is she sleeping? Will she ever wake up? That broke my heart. Then I aked him what “being dead” meant to him. He told me death was being sleeping forever and while you are sleeping you dream about God and beutiful things, but that he didn’t know if you get to wake up. Ofcourse you never get to wake up again. This post was so dear to me. Thanks for sharing this kind of experiences Rachel.
I lost my dad in the 9/11 attacks when I was 7 and its only now that I am starting to appreciate the photos of him, of he and I or with my siblings.
On fathers day, my son (who is named after my father) said “Where you daddy?”. I pulled out some old photoalbums and it was therapeutic to go through them with him. There were so many things that I thought I had lost, especially since (temporarily) moving away from New York and it made me feel like he was around again. Much like you, though, it is hard too. See the photos makes it feel like it was only yesterday – not almost 11 years. It makes me wonder if he would be proud of me etc.
I still find it hard to comprehend that I have live more of my life without my dad than I have with. It makes me hug my son tighter and cherish every moment.
Thank you all for sharing your comments and stories with me here and via email. It means a lot to me to hear from you all. We are all in this life thing together, huh?
Of course we are. All together. United by pictures and emotions
Spirits exist, I promise and your dad watches your family every single day.
that made me so sad and so happy at the same time….
cherish those memories…
tara
so nice of her….