I was supposed to be flying on a trapeze today. I was to climb a silky rope and unravel myself with careful abandon towards the padded floor. Then I was to go out for sushi and champagne. It was to be my adventure Thursday with other moms. Some I have not seen in ages since we left Gemma’s ex-school.
I got dressed in my gym gear. My one set of workout clothes had been hand washed and hung to dry an entire day in advance.
But instead, I am writing this in an old notebook I found at the bottom of my bag while I sit at a kid play center. It is the twins who are zipping down slides and jumping like little daredevils. There is no sushi here, certainly no champagne and all the other adults seem to be friends from a mothers group.
You see, I am here not because I was unprepared. The trunk of my car is packed with distractions ranging from old school coloring to various electronic devices. There is the portable car playmat map and carefully selected hotwheels. Lucille, Clover’s doll, has even brought toys. But when we got in the car, IT began. It being the seemingly new normal operating mode of four year old twins. Fighting, taunting, yelling, crying, more yelling and did I mention the yelling?
MAHHHHHHHH-MEEEEEEEE, she __dotdotdot__
KEEEAR-WIN! STOP ___fillintheblank___
So it begins and continues through the day. What is this new normal? And when is it going to stop? Bring back the more gentle and quiet normal. It wasn’t perfect, but I liked that one.
Twin babies are hard, but you get through. People look at you with a wistful kindness when you are out with twin babies who are crying at the same time. Strangers cluck, they empathise and even smile. It is not the same with twin four year olds who are crying in public. Nope, those same faces turn and look with expressions that are decidedly less kind. What is that look? Oh I know, it is disdain. The same people who thought I was some sort of hero for being out with baby twins treat me like a terrible mom who just can’t control those children. They roll their eyes, call out to their seemingly perfect children for a cuddle and praise and I have even witnessed one mother mouth “wow” to her friend.
So when I go out with the twins, I am on guard…super tense and ready to dive in and arrest the tantrum as fast as possible. It is exhausting and embarrassing. Well, I just couldn’t do it today even though I know I will probably not have another chance to go to circus class, sushi and champagne with these women again. And I know that these women would not judge me, but it isn’t really about the other people. It is about the stress and my raised blood pressure from trying to manage the twins behavior in public. Two little adorable time bombs.
I just could not make them stay still today. I did not have it in me to try…not today. The twins needed someplace where they could yell, scream, run and play. So we changed plans, turned the car around and since it threatened rain, headed to an indoor playground. They have been here screaming for about two hours as I write this. They occasionally come to me where I sit alone at a table in my running clothes. They have rosy cheeks, big smiles and no arguments. I only get one more year with them and our Adventure Thursdays before they are in school full time. I don’t want to wish it away. Time goes fast enough on its own. I do wish that it gets easier for their sake. I want to do so much with them in our year of Thursdays.
Just as I was calmly rethinking my decision to forego circus there was a crash on the slide involving Kieran and some other little kid and the howling began. Even here solely in the company of other parents with small children he attracted raised eyebrows and long stares. That feeling of embarrassment crept up my cheeks with a warm flush and I knew in my heart that until we love them through this stage, I must choose my adventures mindfully.
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
I so hope you get to trapeze school soon x
Loved reading this Rachel! my day was crappy too. My 2 year old decided it was a good idea to squeeze an entire (new) tube of toothpaste all over the bathroom sink, while cleaning that up she decided to do some light reading which entailed removal of all books from her book shelf.. ps: no, my 2 year old can’t read. pps: You make me feel more normal x
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! so tillie used to have the tantrums and she passed the baton on to finn who now has some shockers! two just since he’s been home from preschool!
I must say, Corrie that I did not really want to shine a light on just one, but Clover has kept her calm manner…it is mostly Kieran who throws down the tantrums and fits. I can hear my sister (mom of adult twins) saying “this too shall pass”, but I have to listen hard because of all THE YELLING.
I know! I’m just finding finn has more of a temper and growls but I thought we were over the tantrums! that’ twins for you! I need that advice and just start saying it! I do time out in his room and he’s better than tillie because I hear ‘ sorry mummy, I’m ready to come out’ – with tillie you’d go and ask if she was ready to come out ‘ no’ do you want to say sorry ‘ no’. so it’s not all bad!
I loved your post. The realness of it all. You know it’s funny how you mention the “looks.” It’s so easy to judge from the sidelines… I hope you continue to find your adventures though they may sidetrack you here and again to find your calm and peace.
we have twin sets of twins, it sounds like, Corrie
I feel that way when I take Noah and Luci out. They are my 4yo twins, except Luci is 2. But the looks from people, my rising blood pressure and the “abort abort” flashing light that goes off in my head when we are half-way into some “great day” and the kids turn into fire breathing dragons of social doom.
Someone told me a wise saying to live by in my times of horror-
“This too shall pass.”
My sister who is the mother of grown twins always says that…she got it from our mom…I still have a hard time with it. Even though it is the very first thing that comes to my mind.
We missed you! But you are right, you only get one more year of Adventure Thursdays and you mustn’t wish that time away, every stage can be gorgeous and frustrating and funny and maddening. There’ll be another Circus Day and I’ll make sure you make it next time.
We always feel so alone at this stage. My Alex follows your two by a few months and I know exactly what you are talking about. With my older kiddos, I seem to have always had a bestie with a kid at the same age and stage that somehow made the spectacle bearable. This time, with this one much younger than his siblings and me without a “gang”, these moments are harder and more tiring. But survivable, if barely;). Thank you for giving me a sense of community by just sharing.
I get that raised blood pressure and change of plans because I just cant handle it from just ONE almost four year old. Yesterday I actually said to Graycn, “Mommy is starting to get emotional,” after she successfully stayed up an extra 30 mins past her bedtime and I fell for it (which come to find out is exactly 30mins past my “I love spending every second with my child” stage to “If mommy doesn’t get one second alone I am going to cry,” stage…). You are a wonderful mom, and I look up to you!! xoxo
btw Mom says the same thing to me when I call her crying and frazzled
I’m starting to think that those quiet and perfect kids are drugged up.
Or my boys are much louder and drowning out those “perfect” kids’ tantrums. I really wish some Mom would have said, “Parenting is really really tough.” I’m not sure I’d be better prepared for those times. But I wouldn’t be blindsided. Deep down, I know that’s not realistic either.
I hope you put those kids to bed, popped some champagne, and jumped on the couch screaming, “And now the Big Top happily welcomes to the center ring… MOM!”
You are a fantastic mom, Rachel! Kids are kids, not little adults. Other parents are perfectly willing to forget that when their children are behaving and yours aren’t. But if they never cry or get mad, they won’t have a chance to learn how to deal with those feelings before adulthood. You’re doing a great job!
Oh man, I’ve been there. My boys were holy terrors at 4; it was one of the most difficult ages (so far, though we haven’t hit teenage yet!). They were almost thrown out of pre-school because they were so active, so loud, such a challenge. The looks I used to get from people. The other ‘perfect’ children’s parents who were so completely clueless and judgmental… I would ask other twim moms with older twins to tell me it got easier, and they’d get this funny look on their faces and there’d be a long horrible pause, and then they’d sort of reluctantly say, “well, it changes…”. And now, I can say, it does change. For me at least, it did get easier. Mostly. It changes.
The thing is, now that my guys are 11, they’re fun interesting people, and they do get into arguments now and then but they are fiercely protective of each other. I am so relieved in so many ways.
Thanks so much for being honest that it isn’t easy, it is a really hard job to be a good mom and by god you really do have to give up a lot to do what is best for them. Kudos to you for doing that, but see if you can find some way to do something for yourself, too; as you know too well, if you do it all for them all the time, your well runs dry.
This is really random, but I was having a sh**y day, but the end of the video in the middle where you and Kieran are at the bottom of the slide laughing uncontrollably had me in tears. So much warmth and happiness pouring out of you both, it was beautiful to see and it made my day a little brighter
Hi! I am the proud mama of two year old twin boys and your work and writing has been very meaningful to me!
I really like how you stated that you need to “choose your adventures mindfully.” I tend to be a glass half empty person so I often feel like I deprive my children of activities they should be participating in because one or both of them is an epic meltdown away from driving me out of my mind. Not to mention, I ‘m constantly worried that their lack of self control will put them in a dangerous situation. The latest, my one thinks that it is funny to wiggle loose from my hand when we ‘re in a parking lot. I have the option of letting go of the one to chase the other, or awkwardly struggling to carry the one while trying to catch and carry the other who doesn’t want to be caught. Ugg. We stay in the house. A lot.
So that’s why I like your mindful comment. I need to be proactive. I need to make better plans for the twins and not put them in situations they are not equipped to deal with. I need to remember that just because there are things that we can’t do by virtue of their twinness, there are a whole lot of things we can and should do. The responsibility is on me to be intelligently proactive.
That was long winded! What I ‘m saying is thanks for the much needed perspective. Your insights mean a lot to me.
And that’s why I like your mindful comment. I need to be a better proactive planner.
OMG Rach, you are totally getting an Ausie accent!
Don’t ya hate disappointment? I’ve spent my day cleaning up urine and poo. I hate potty training.
Love this post Rachel. I have a three year old who is constant melt down mode at the moment – couldn’t imagine having two!
Oh I can so relate… but don’t read my blog post from today, it might depress you, but I should add that it is not always bickering and chaos, there is now glimpses of awesome kindness and thoughtfulness…
you cannot be held responsible for your childs behaviour, you are only responsible for reacting to it appropriately. who are these people making you feel uncomfortable on the sreet? are you inviting them over for christmas dinner? no? then who cares?
“perfect super mom” is a figment of all our imaginations. just another delusion.
Beautiful post! I used to work in an all boys school, often be in charge of maintaining discipline and order of hundreds of teenage boys and could do it with my eyes shut and now come completely undone by my 20 month old daughter. Worst still, she is a relatively laid back child. I find it so exhausting. Motherhood is BLOODY hard. As much as there might be people out there judging, I bet there are also heaps of women out there like me also empathising and completely understanding your pain! But I get it, it is cumulative and it only takes a glance from one person to feel like it is everyone. I needed to read this post today. Thank you.
They make little cans of champagne..im sure it was designed for just such an adventure. seriously!
Yup, this post makes me realise I am normal …yeehaaah!
I have twin boys aged 5 and my eldest son is 8, I feel like a ranting lunatic in the shops….first it is the head count, one, two ……where is your brother, THREE. Then the fighting over the one particular toy, NEVERMIND you bought three identical toys, the one has a secret marking, invisible to adults, that inducates which child it belongs to, the fight for the front seat in the car…gosh I think I will stop now.
oh yes, my 3 year old daughter, who was the nicest sweetest child ever! has morphed into a little, well, three year old. Who looks me in the eye and says “are you HEARING ME? You HEARING ME WHEN I SAY DAT TO YOU?” when I tell her no. Which is often. And I’m sure with my son, now 6, many moms said “wow” in public. You are a great mom!
Yup. Totally get this. Have boy/girl, four-year-old twins too. And an older son. Right now I have banished them to their rooms because they have completely made me crazy with the bickering. COMPLETELY.
And the going out at times can be the worst. My oldest is 5 years older (we had a similar experience to yours, IVF and all). So the age gap makes it hard for them to get along. And days like today where they are driving me bananas and then I try to get us out of the house often go terribly awry. Can’t pick the right venue for everyone. The oldest eggs on the littles. I’m already at the end of my tether. And then the blood pressure thing goes off! And the looks you get when that happens! Gesh! Haven’t they ever lost their cool? I’m often beyond being embarrassed anymore.
Wishing you happy Thursdays, and the joy to enjoy them for yourself next year — you’ll have earned it.
I remember once confessing to having broken down in tears in the middle of rush hour, on a packed tram, because my daughter was throwing yet another tantrum and I just could not cope anymore. With the looks, the powerlessness, the embarassment, the sense of failure, the tuts and whispered reproach, the obvious nuisance I was causing other travelers by being unable to control my child. And so I just started sobbing. Because I was ill. I had a massive fever. Third bout of tonsilitis in 2 months. And I was meant to be at the doctors but I couldn’t get my daughter to cooperate. And so, in a closed group of Flickr friends, I confessed. Because, I guess, I needed someone to tell me “this too shall pass”. I needed someone to say “it’s ok”. But all I remember is one mother replying “my children never throw tantrums. I don’t understand how you can allow that kind of behavior”. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it even now, how we can be so (unknowingly) cruel to each other. We have enough to deal with, with our delightful screaming children, we should at least be kind (and patient) with other people going through similar struggles. So thank you Rachel, for speaking up, and letting others know that these things, these feelings, these incidents, happen even to one of the most brilliant, talented, together, succesful, admired mamas out there (that’s you by the way).