I hate change. Always have and apparently still do, despite my mature years. (I can hear you laughing). I think it is just part of my nature as well as having been nurtured. Growing up I wanted things to remain as they were. Now I see change as mile markers in a ride that is going way too fast. I dread the holidays as they have me looking back on years past instead of excited for the future.
I like Mondays because the rest of the week is the same. A routine I can depend on. People are out doing things and I feel less lonely. Sundays I dread because it the day the week ends. I don’t like endings. I like new things and beginnings, but I hate to let go of the old. It is why I photograph. That dilemma is the essential element that makes me a photographer. I can keep the old with me while I move on.
This year has really just disappeared. I know that people say that every November, but I really feel it. There are bubbles of anxiety popping between my shoulder blades and heart. In just a few short weeks, the school year will be over and I will no longer have an eight year old third grader with twins in kinder. We will be a family with all primary school children and our oldest will be nine.
That whole era of having little children at home will be done. Just like that. While I am glad I will have time to get back to work without interruptions, I can’t help but think, wasn’t I just planning my wedding?
So many endings, so many beginnings that I can actually look back on quite a bit of life at this point. Many stages that I looked forward to are now things I reminisce about. That? That is crazy.
The funniest bit is that at times like this, I want to run away myself…be the catalyst of the change instead of having to suffer through change happening to me.
I guess what keeps me going is the thought that if nothing is permanent in this life, that applies to our sadness as well. As my mother and my sister and now I say… This too shall pass. Damn, change at work again.
Change…do you love it? Embrace it? Or do you shiver in its midst?
*These images were taken months ago and never blogged. There is a whole day of pictures I never shared. That often happens, pictures taken and never seen again. Looking at these, I see that old metal wall and think how it has stood for so long and wondered about all the families who have walked past it, the little kids who have played in front of it and the ones who have yet to visit, but will.