Most years I find my busy period tapering off by now. Not this time around. I am suddenly slammed with all sorts of responsibilities from work projects to my health issues (who knew I was allergic to horses?*) and of course all things kid related (goodness there are a lot of parties at the end of the year). I really am having to rely upon my village to help raise my children for the next 4 weeks until Christmas. There have been many times in the not so distant past where I would be too nervous to ask for that help.
Wait. OH MY GOD.
Did you just read that second to last bit up there? Christmas is 4 weeks away!
And that means that Gemma’s birthday is just next week. She still has not decided on a birthday party venue, therefor nothing has been booked. It is a hard lesson to learn, but I have made it very clear to her that I will not pick for her (just to be met with eye rolls when I invariably make the wrong choice) and if she waits too long, she will miss out. Perhaps this is the year to just do something small. Maybe nine is the time. Gemma has been agonising over not being able to invite a bigger group of people although she really wants to just have a sleepover. This is something that is hard for me to navigate as an adult, caring for other people’s feelings, so I can imagine it is extremely difficult for my little mini-me.
Kids see what we do. They analyse how we act and try to learn to navigate this world from those observations. I need to make sure that I model what I am most proud of about myself. To stop holding myself back from being as open as I want to be. To stop shooting my own happiness in the foot! I know it is scary, but how can I show my kids that they are awesome the way they are if I hesitate behind the self conscious screen of shyness. I have been going back to my favourite books on Buddhism and rereading. I have also been talking to friends here instead of having the same unproductive conversation with myself. It is working. I am getting up out of a little dip of sadness and I know how important it is that I keep climbing. I am sharing it all with the kids as well.
From the way I found Clover on the playroom couch tonight after her bath, the children have clearly noticed me working. What else do they see and then adopt for themselves?
*While I am apparently allergic to horses, that has really nothing much to do with my respiratory concerns since I am not around them. Ever. It does however sort of help explain why I really hated summer camp at the RRR Horse Ranch as a child.